Try, Fail, Surrender

I learned early on in life that if I just work harder, I’ll succeed at whatever I’m pursuing. This was exceptionally true in school. If I was struggling in a class, all I had to do was study more, and I would do better. It seemed like a simple formula for success. Moreover, the world praises those who work hard and achieve much. The world marvels at people like Bill Gates who would pull all-nighters while developing Microsoft. Already as a child, I caught on to this hustle culture formula for success. Throughout all of college, I spent the majority of my time working hard. I was either working out, meal prepping, studying, or working at my job. I didn’t allow much time for God, social activities, and building deep relationships. I believed all this hard work would pay off eventually. I believed, "Once X happens, then I will have time for rest, deep relationships, God, etc." I used that formula for years and years on end.

I was incredibly self-reliant and truly believed that hard work was the key to happiness and success. Then I graduated. Boy oh boy, did God begin refining me. Since graduating college, I’ve experienced more failure and more loss than ever before. At one point, I had started my business, lost my dad to cancer, lost my grandmother to old age, lost a close friend to suicide, and lost my family dog all within a year. During this same period, my husband lost both his grandparents. As the years progressed, the rollercoaster of life only seemed to have greater highs and deeper lows. I struggled to generate enough income in my business, planned a wedding, got married, had my car stolen, bought a house, got hit with expensive home issues, experienced a miscarriage, totaled another car, and more.

Hustle culture was no longer working for me. I have to admit that it never really brought me joy anyways. It brought me praise, and a hope for future joy, but never real, present, and lasting joy. Yet, I was convinced it was the only path to happiness. Even worse, I believed God wanted me to constantly burn the candle at both ends. I thought it proved self-control and perseverance. Yet, self-reliance, white-knuckling, and working harder wasn’t serving me in all these major areas of life that seemed out of my control. And it drove me mad! I felt utterly lost, confused, and frustrated. This formula had worked for me all my life, why wasn’t it working now?

But God knew. A few years ago, God called me into a season of rest. I had absolutely no idea how to do this. So, I simply began resting more. Except it wasn’t rest, at least, it wasn’t intentional rest. My version of “rest” typically involved sitting on the couch and watching TV. Then, once bedtime rolled around, I still felt restless. It was like I hadn’t actually rested enough to go to sleep. I wanted to just keep watching one more show. I’d wake up feeling groggy, rely heavily on caffeine, then push through my day until the cycle repeated at night.

I had also begun to feel lost and confused in other areas of my life. My business was struggling financially, even though my clients were getting good results, and I was working overtime most days. My gut and hormonal health began to deteriorate. I felt chronically behind, overwhelmed, and burnt out. At the same time, I felt utterly lost because I couldn’t figure out a way to manage everything. It was like I was constantly trying my hardest, yet feeling like a failure in most areas of my life. I kept trying new habits and new goals, but I would see little to no success. I would then turn to hopelessness and victimhood whiling numbing all those painful emotions surrounding this feeling of failure.

Eventually, I would get tired of the shame I felt from numbing, so I’d find a new solution or new plan. I thought, “THIS time I will succeed. THIS is the magic formula I’ve been missing.” But to no avail, I kept winding up in the same place. I could feel God nudging me to rest more intentionally, but I never felt I had the time. There was too much chaos in my life, too many unknowns, too many tasks to get done. I told God, “Once things slow down, once I make more money, once I figure out my schedule, once x, y, and z happens, THEN I will have time to rest intentionally. My “rest” was still numbing, and my prayer time still felt like I was checking off a box on my lengthy to-do list. I kept trying, and trying, and trying, and yet, I felt like nothing was working.

I eventually hit a low point. I just couldn’t try anymore! And when I finally came to the end of myself, I offered an honest surrender to the Lord. From the depths of my being, I poured my heart out to him in frustration and longing. In this moment of agony, I found truth. I had finally begun to realize that I was attempting to control everything with my human efforts. I prayed to God, but I orchestrated my life so that I never had to rely on him. How then could he answer my prayers when I only offered empty words; yet, never gave him greater access to my life?

This is where the Lord began to show me how to rest and how to pray without ceasing. It began one evening while I was on my way to get groceries. It was a Sunday, and I had a giant to-do list. I knew God was calling me to honor the Sabbath, but I felt like there was simply too much to do. As I rushed to the store, all I could think about was the task that needed to get done. I kept replaying in my mind how long each task would take, and when I needed to be done by so I could hurry up and "rest" like I knew the Lord wanted.

Then I heard the Lord say, “Why are you so rushed? You hurry through your day so you can hurry to rest, hurry to sleep, hurry to wake up, and hurry to repeat. Even in your resting, you numb. Even in your prayer, you rush. Reject the god of hurry, and choose to slow down in my presence.”

And by the grace of God, I obeyed. I slowed down on my way to the grocery store. Suddenly, a peace and clarity washed over me. I felt a depth of calm. But that peace was almost immediately tested. On my way home, I stopped by Subway to grab some sandwiches. The line was long, and I instantly felt a sense of urgency flood over me again. I began to ruminate on how unfortunate I was. “Of course the line would be long. Of course there would only be one employee working. I need to get home! I don’t have time for this!”

Again God reminded me, “Why are you in a rush? In waiting, you have an opportunity to show love and gratitude.” So, I began to pray for the other people in Subway. Before I knew it, I was at the front of the line. I could see the look of stress on the employee's face. I knew this was a moment I could show God’s love simply through a calm smile, and a polite tone of voice, to communicate, “I’m not in a rush, so you don’t have to be either. You’re doing fine.” Something amazing happened, by the time the woman was done making my sandwich, she seemed calmer as well. I could have gone to her in my annoyance and taken my frustration out on her. Instead, God reminded me to be grateful for the food and for the service, and to communicate love and patience wherever I go.

Although I certainly do not do this perfectly, I now understand how to embody the phrase, "They will know we are Christians by our love." Worshipping the god of hustle culture made it impossible to love my neighbor at any given moment. Slowing down gave the Holy Spirit an opportunity to operate in my life in such a way that God's love could be communicated through me.

Yet, this truth continued to be tested. When I got home, I kept finding situations where the enemy would tempt me to rush. I had to continuously fight those temptations. Miraculously, my day was far more productive that it had ever been rushing! Not only is the idol of hustle culture more demanding than our Lord, it paradoxically leads to less productivity and rest. When I got to the end of my day, I found it easier to rest intentionally, rather than numb, from a day of constant anxiety and rushing.

I knew I needed to press in deeper. I began a daily practice of sitting with God in complete silence. At first it was difficult. My mind was often flooded with distractions and to-do’s. I frequently felt tempted to skip through this silence and hurry to my tasks. Yet, each day, I chose to sit with God. Eventually, the noise in my head began to quiet, and I could feel God’s presence.

However, I still felt a sense of frustration. Why couldn’t I hear God? Why wasn’t he telling me what to do? Why wasn’t I receiving revelation? I became frustrated with God until one day, he said, “Is my presence not enough for you? You are so used to transactional relationships in the world. You come to me expecting immediate blessings, answers, and gratification, when all I want to do is hold you, my daughter. I just want to spend time with you, without it being transactional. This is where our relationship will grow. This is where you will feel my unconditional love – by learning to love silence in my presence. You believe you must do something and then you will receive something from me in return. I love blessing you, but I want a deeper relationship. One where you can do nothing, yet be totally content in my presence. Sitting in silence with me is a great act of faith. So, sit here, and know that my presence is enough. Be still, and know that I am God.”

As I began to sit with God in full surrender, without any expectation other than to enjoy the present moment with my Lord, I could feel my day-to-day life change. I felt more clarity and peace throughout my day. I could somehow do less, rush less, and work less, yet still trust that everything was taken care of. It became clear which tasks God wanted me to steward, and which tasks he wanted me to surrender. I noticed his calm presence more throughout my day – when I was eating, doing dishes, folding laundry, or going for a walk. I realized this is what it meant to pray without ceasing, to slow down enough that you become aware of God, always.

The most wonderful gift I found from sitting with God in silence was how he formed my heart in ways I never noticed until I needed it. When conflict would arise, then would I find revelation. When circumstance would change for the worst, then would I find peace. When uncertainty arose, then would I find answers. I rarely found revelation while sitting in silence with God. Grace is a free gift, yet, we so often reject it. Sitting in silence formed my heart to accept his grace, in full surrender, when I needed it the most.

Now, I am by no means perfect. There are many times I do or say the wrong thing. There are times I still fall into impatience, hurriedness, resentment, anger, or frustration. But even then, I have found a new hope. God allows me to stumble, so that I may come to the end of myself. When I am at the end of myself, I find God. This is where I find his strength in my weakness.

Fr. Bonifice Hicks says that the world’s way is to “try, fail, try harder.” I used this formula most my life, and it always led to a pattern of controlling, burning out, numbing, shaming, and repeating. Fr. Bonifice Hicks reminded me that God’s way is, “try, fail, surrender.” God wants us to put in an effort so that we may partner with him. Yet, it is by his grace that we succeed in our efforts. When we “try, fail, try harder” we rely on our own strength to succeed. Instead, when we “try, fail, surrender” we partner with God while accepting his gift of grace so that, not only do we succeed, but it bears more fruit than we could have ever hoped for.

God doesn’t fear failure like you do. In fact, we know that, “there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.” —Luke 15:7. Yet sin is the ultimate failure, it is a failure to love. Which means God rejoices more when you fail and turn to him, than if you had never failed in the first place. It is through our failure and subsequent surrender that we learn to be still and yāḏaʿ God.

Now, this doesn't mean we should be casual about sin or failure. Being casual toward sin doesn't lead us to God, it leads to more sin. However, we should not fear sin or failure, as this too turns us from God and toward more sin. Fearing failure is a sign that we do not trust in God's mercy, nor do we fully accept Christ as our source of salvation. Fearing failure turns us away from God as we try to earn our own salvation.

You declare that you surrender your life to God. However, when you spend your entire life attempting to avoid failure, you attempt to orchestrate your life so that you never actually have to surrender to him. In this way, you never truly know how to be still, and yāḏaʿ God.

I no longer look at failure as a bad thing. I no longer believe God is disappointed in me when I fail. In fact, he knew every failure I would ever have, and still chose to create me out of his love for me. Even more, he allows me to fail so that I may come to know his grace! So that I may become evermore dependent upon him!

I no longer have to rush through life then feel ashamed when I can’t do it all. Every failure is an opportunity to trust in God more, to rely on him more, to surrender to him more. It is in our failure that we realize we absolutely need God. The moment we realize this we have already succeeded, because God cannot fail, God cannot lose, the victory is already his. All we have to do is come into agreement with this victory by partnering with him in obedience, and surrendering to him when we fail, then persevering in faith yet again.

We all know Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” Yet, do we all really know God? The word “know” here comes from the Greek yāḏaʿ which does not describe intellectual knowledge of something, but a personal and relational knowledge of something. We can know who God is Biblically, yet unless we spend quiet time with him, we cannot know him personally. It is only through knowing him personally that you feel his presence constantly. Even more, “Be still” comes from the Greek rāp̄â. There are many meanings for this word such as “to sink” or “relax.” However, another meaning is to “fail” or “weaken.” It is through our failures that we recognize our weakness, and therefore, be still enough to know God’s strength. It is in this exact place that we overcome sin – between our human failure and God’s everlasting grace.

This place between our failure and God’s grace can be easily missed. It’s why fear of rejection has plagued me for much of my life. Although God has helped me overcome fear of rejection in regards to my appearance, the fear of rejection has kept me in bondage to many forms of apathy and people pleasing. I will feel God convict me to say something or do something, yet I don’t feel like I have the strength or courage to follow through. I’ve been stuck here because I’ve been missing that grace-filled moment between my failure and God’s love.

When I hear a new conviction from God, I immediately feel pressure. In the past, I mistakenly believed it was the Lord pressuring me. So, when I would feel the pressure, I would cumble underneath it. I could then feel the weight of shame fill my heart, and I would turn away from God. I would purposefully ignore him because of the shame. Then I would promise myself, “Next time I’ll have the strength. I just need to try harder.” In doing so, I followed the world’s formula: try, fail, try harder.

Then, one day on my way to Mass, I felt a conviction from the Lord. Immediately, I began to feel pressure. Suddenly, I remembered, “surrender.” I realized, it was never God pressuring me. God convicted me, then the deceiver added pressure, knowing that the pressure would actually turn me away from God in shame. When I realized it wasn’t the Lord who was pressuring me, the shame from my weakness and disobedience lifted and I was able to quickly turn to the Lord in repentance. There, I found his abundant mercy. He was so quick to forgive, and I knew that his grace would pour through me so that I may have the strength to increase my obedience. It was through my failure that I found a deeper posture of surrender. It is through my failure that I began to be still and know God.

Through it all, I’ve realized that God does not convict through pressure, he convicts through love. And when we fail to honor his conviction, we have a glorious moment to turn to God and rely on him even more. Our first parents – Adam and Eve – felt that pressure from the serpent. God convicted them, then the devil pressured them with a fear of lack, and comparison. Eve felt she lacked something, though she lacked nothing. She believed she could have that thing if she just took matters into her own hands. The serpent also compared Eve to God, which increased pressure for Eve. That pressure led to control, which led to sin, which led to shame, which led to Adam and Eve hiding from God.

It is through comparison, fear, and shame that the devil creates pressure. It is through comparison, fear, and shame that we turn away from God – even in good pursuits – to seek an outcome which has now become disordered as we lose sight of the One who is good. The fear of rejection creates pressure when God convicts me to tell a stranger about God’s love. Comparison tells me I must be more like my friend who is outgoing, then I feel pressure to become someone I am not. Shame pressures me to get my act together without anyone’s help, especially God’s.

Instead of turning to God in the midst of that shame, I would turn to my own strength. Here, I found hopelessness as my efforts continually failed. Now, when I fail, I remind myself that it is a moment to not repeat the sin of the fall, but to turn to God so that I can experience his grace, which prepares my heart to better receive his convictions in the future. As I offer every single failure to God, I find the fear of rejection crumbling faster than it ever has before, while feeling a new hope stirring.

I feel the bondage of comparison breaking, as I learn to become who God intended me to be. “I understood how all the flowers God created are beautiful—how the splendor of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not take away from the perfume of the violet or the simplicity of the daisy. I understood that if all flowers wanted to be roses, nature would lose her springtime beauty, and the fields would no longer be decked out with little wildflower.” —St. Theresa of Lisieux

I feel the pain of shame melting as I recognize greatness cannot be achieved through our flesh, but by simply sitting at the Lord’s feet as Mary of Bethany did. "He willed to create great souls comparable to lilies and roses, but he created small ones as well…and these must be content to be daisies or violets destined to give joy to God’s glances, when he looks down at His feet." —St. Theresa of Lisieux

When I come to know God in silence, in suffering, in failure, I come to know myself as his child.

St. Theresa of Lisieux knew well what it meant to be God’s little child when she said, “Yes, I feel it, even if I had on my conscience all the sins that can be committed, I would go—my heart, broken in repentance—throw myself in the arms of Jesus because I know how much he cherishes the prodigal child who comes back to Him.”

It was through the prodigal son’s failure and suffering that he came back to his father. Therefore, whenever I encounter my own failure and suffering, I can choose to see it as an opportunity that God is using to refine me. When I come into agreement with this refinement in full surrender, I find God so that I may know him better than I ever had before. In this failure, in this suffering, I find what it truly means to die to self while coming alive in Christ Jesus.