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This morning I was making breakfast when my husband asked me, "Have you told anybody about what happened to you, besides your mother?"
About one week prior, I had an extraordinary healing experience at "Renewed by His Love," a Women's Conference of Healing and Forgiveness. I confess, however, I've been hesitant to tell anybody. I knew the reason why I've been so apprehensive: fear and confusion. Neither of these come from God. So, I knew I owed it to myself, and God, to explore where the root of this fear and confusion came from, and why it was holding me back from sharing an incredible testimony.
On May 4, 2023, I was sitting in the pew of my local church with my mother. I knew I needed this conference. The last few years of my life have been the most difficult, yet extraordinary years in terms of growing in intimacy with Christ. Despite the fact that I would not change what I've gone through these last few years, at times the trials seemed too difficult to bear. I felt like the Israelites wondering through the desert, and I was becoming impatient. Why was God keeping me here in my struggle so long? I felt like He was opening doors, just to close them right back in my face. I started to grow a bitterness in my heart toward God. Many times I fell to the floor in tears. Each time I became angry with God, he gently picked me back up and gave me the strength to keep going. Each time I got back up, I hoped and prayed something would finally change. Except, nothing ever did. How many more times will I fall at your feet, before you finally hear my cries, Lord?"
I knew there was a greater purpose for all this - which is what allowed me to persevere forward - but I felt my perseverance running thin. I could feel it in my body, I could see it in my relationships. Even my husband told me that something had changed. I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually burnt out. So, to say that I needed a healing retreat was an understatement.
As I sat in the pew the first day of the retreat, a priest took us women through an emotional wound healing exercise. I was actually a bit annoyed at first. The exercise was similar to what I do with my clients, so I thought, "This is pointless for me to do. I've already done it." But, I felt the Holy Spirit gently nudging me to offer my irritation to God, and simply experience the present moment fully. I felt as though there was still something God wanted to show me. I reluctantly carried on, and tried my best to listen to the Holy Spirit.
Suddenly, the priest switched gears. He explained how often times our emotional wounds lead to physical illness. This concept is not new to me, and it is something I teach. Again, I thought, "Big deal. I already know this." However, my pride was quickly stripped away when he took this concept one step further. He started praying over us women for physical healing. Suddenly, I felt the Holy Spirit call me to, "be here." I closed my eyes, and fully embraced the Holy Spirit's nudge.
As the priest continued to pray, my heart started beating faster and faster. I could feel a well of emotions rising inside of me. I began to physically feel things shift in my body; I could even feel my spine moving against the back of the pew. My heart continued to race. Could this actually be happening to me? Would God actually heal my physical ailments? The more the priest prayed, the more I could feel my body shift and lighten. Then I heard a voice, loud and clear say, "Go eat ice cream." Suddenly, I was weeping. My poor mother apparently became concerned at my condition and grabbed my arm. She had no idea what I was feeling and hearing; she could only see her daughter weeping. I reassured her that I was okay. Yet, I felt apprehensive to tell her what happened. Did God actually heal my dairy intolerance? And if so...why me? Is this all in my head? Would He really heal something so small? As the evening continued on, I felt other emotional weights lifted and even more physical healing in my back and throat (which I will share another day).
I kept most of what I experienced to myself. I just couldn't quite believe what had happened. I wanted to be sure. I told my husband everything. The next morning I exclaimed, "Collin! I need to eat some dairy!" He just so happened to be drinking his whey protein shake with whole milk. With a grin on his face, he held it out for me to drink. Again, I was hesitant and afraid.
I told him, "What if this is all in my head? If I drink this I might be miserable all day! And I have the women's conference today again. I just don't want to feel sick." He shrugged, and with a smirk, kept holding out his drink. Again, I fought it. "Maybe I should first try something small. Whey and casein protein are what I'm intolerant to in dairy. So, this whey protein shake would really set me off. I'm afraid to drink it." Unbothered by my resistance, he shrugged again, held his smirk, and extended his drink out to me. Had it not been for his calm faith, I know I would have chickened out. I grabbed the drink, and down the hatch it went. I waited nervously to see if my stomach would soon tie into a knot. Fifteen minutes went by...and nothing. Maybe it's just taking a while. Ten, twenty, thirty more minutes went by...I couldn't believe it! I still felt perfectly fine without even the slightest sense of bloating!
Later that afternoon, I told my mom everything that happened. She was filled with joy for me. Soon, the evening came and the women's conference had a wine and cheese social. I decided to test it out again. Slightly less nervous, but still a bit apprehensive, I grabbed all sorts of cheeses. I ate, and waited. Amazingly, I still felt completely fine! After the third and final day of the conference, I asked my mom if she would like to go grab some ice cream on the hot summer day. She smiled, "Are you sure?" She knew dairy had always bothered me from a young age. Certain dairy products would even make me throw up as a kid. She was with me, at all the doctor's visits, to discover what was causing so much of my G.I. distress.
As I got older, I discovered enzymes, in the form of a pill, that would help me digest casein and whey proteins. If I took these enzymes I could tolerate diary, but would still be accompanied by bloating and a not-so-fun bathroom visit the day after. But, it was the third day of being symptom free. I was ready to eat REAL ice cream. Again, I felt completely fine afterwords.
So why was I keeping this all to myself (outside of a few select people)? Other women at the conference were eager to share their healing experience, but I rejected the idea...until today. I asked myself, "Why am I so afraid?"
My answer? I was worried that people would make fun of me and claim it was all in my head. I was afraid of rejection, so I rejected my experience instead. I was worried that maybe I wasn't actually healed, and somehow this was all too good to be true. I didn't fully trust God, so I kept it hidden. Okay this makes sense, I thought, I can let go of this fear and replace it with trust. But one piece still lingered that was holding me back: I just couldn't wrap my head around why God would heal my dairy intolerance! I certainly didn't feel worthy with all the suffering in the world. I also didn't think God would be bothered by such a seemingly small issue.
I know Christ is the Divine Physician...but a diary intolerance? To be honest, I have so many other prayers that I would have preferred he answer. I never even asked God to heal my dairy intolerance. Confusion and resentment - two more tools of the enemy - were at play here.
As I offered this to God and contemplated His decision, I found my answer.
I have been in an extreme rush to reach the next phase in life...to finally experience what God is calling me to. However, up until now, this "rushing" has been the sum of my life. There have been few times where I've stopped to "smell the roses." These times are when I've experienced an extraordinary depth of love and healing from God.
I mistakenly thought I was slowing down in life. I "practice the pause" daily through prayerful meditation, reading, breathing practices, or simply lying in the grass and soaking in the sun. Despite my efforts to slow down, I've still been speed walking through life. There has been a paradoxical urgency to grasp what is coming; yet, I feel pulled to stay put by God. This was where my struggle lied: between urgency and patience. I felt like a child trying to run toward the ice cream truck, but am being held back by the mom holding tightly onto my tiny hand.
He said, "You are so eager to reach the good desires which I have planted in your heart. But, those desires only remain good if you are well formed before you reach them. You are trying to run. I am trying to walk. If I let you go, so that you may run, you will distance yourself from Me in pursuit of the plan I have for you. But, the plan only remains good if I am in it. So why are you running? Why do you want to leave this place with Me? I have your hand, I'm guiding your steps, you're closer to Me than ever before. Although your urgency is headed in the same direction as Me, you want to move faster than Me. But, to move faster means to depart from Me. It means to let go of my hand and run ahead. Like a child running toward the ice cream truck across the street, you are so fixated on the destination, that you don't see the car about to hit you. I am the only thing that will prevent that car from destroying you. So, why do you run ahead when you are safer with me? Not only do I want to protect you, but I want to spend time with you. I want you to enjoy the here and now with Me, and with those around you. What kind of relationship would we have if all we did was run to the next destination. I would be more like your chauffeur than your father. I desire relationship with you. Your pain isn't caused by my pace, but your unwillingness to slow down. You feel pain because you are tugging and stretching to go faster as I refuse to let you go. I love you too much to let you go. So keep walking, but walk with Me."
The day I drank the whey protein, I was forced to stop the busyness of the morning and take a leap of faith with my husband. Prior to my healing experience, I would have skipped the cheese and wine social and went straight home to prepare for the next day. The day I went to eat ice cream with my mom, we sat and talked in front of the local ice cream parlor for over an hour. Nothing else in the world mattered but our conversation. We were living in the present moment. Last night, my husband and I opted out of watching mindless T.V., and instead, walked a mile down the road to get Freddy's Frozen Custard. We talked, we laughed, we connected. None of these moments would have happened without the Lord's healing. All of these experiences brought me extreme joy from the simplicity of the present moment.
We know God often uses our suffering for a greater purpose. But, in the Bible Jesus often heals people's physical wounds in order to heal their heart. I realized the majority of my suffering this past year was because of my own impatience and lack of trust. God perfectly used that suffering, in combination with this healing, to teach me one of the most valuable lessons to this day: There is joy in the in between moments. These moments are truly the sum of our lives. Therefore, if you are constantly in a rush to get to the next place, you will miss the life God is creating for you below your feet.